Last night, 6 of my friends and I went to Knott’s Scary Farm. We got there around 6:30 and while we didn’t close the park this year, we hit both shows and all the mazes (not including Trapped and Infected). Here’s what Katie and I thought, presented in the order we hit them.

Trick or Treat- “Ring the witch’s doorbell and enter her magical home if you dare. Her Trickster minions will escort you. But is this all a Trick or Treat?”

This maze takes you on a house tour through the Green Witch’s house. You start out at her front door and go through her study, a bedroom or two, her dining room, and even her bathroom (and YES, there’s someone behind the curtain in the bathtub..). This maze was a good one to start out with because it was relatively scary but it didn’t scar me for the rest of the night (but I’m bumping up the scare factor by .5 because of the person in the bathtub: that is one of our worst fears).

  • Scare factor: 2.5/5

Voodoo- “Beware the cursed swamps of New Orleans, where mindless zombies trudge through the murky bogs and demons use Voodoo curses to possess innocent souls. Choose your path carefully children, for one wrong turn and you will be hexed forever.”

As we walked up to Voodoo, we all marveled at the outside of the maze— decorated as a French Quarter New Orleans mansion (completed with Mardi Gras decorations). I promised myself I would be less scared during this maze, and luckily, Voodoo isn’t too scary. It is, however, beautiful to look at while you’re going through. My favorite part was walking through the steamy bayou. Also, it was cool that visitors are presented the choice between two directions at different points (the maze has multiple routes); my group got split up about half way through.

  • Scare factor: 1/5

Dominion of the Damned- “Vampire lore decrees only one shall rule the Dominion of the Damned.. Long live the king!

Last year I gave this maze a 1/5, because vampires just don’t scare me, but Knott’s stepped it up in 2014. I like the scenery of this maze a lot, and there were definitely a few new suprises that got me good (one being a gilly suited monster hiding on an ivy wall). The 3 things that really made me scream bloody murder make me think that this maze deserves…. (2 points up from last year….)

  • Scare factor: 3/5

The Tooth Fairy- “Travel into the nightmarish lair of the Tooth Fairy where children are transformed into freakish fairies who stalk the halls performing horrific acts of oral surgery.”

This maze begins in a family home but quickly turns into a disturbing world that the Tooth Fairy reigns over. To descend into the fairy world, there is a long dark maze of a hallway that is pitch black and has fur lined black walls (HOT & CLAUSTROPHOBIC). Another claustrophobia-inducing part is when, in order to continue the maze, you have to crouch down and walk into a cage. The scariest parts of this maze were the gruesome dentist office portions… there were patients with drills through their entire skull, patients with ripped-off jaws, a bloody dentist who WOULDN’T STOP FOLLOWING US and telling me it was time for my appointment and to “smile”…  

  • Scare factor: 4/5

Black Magic- ”The veil between the living and the dead is severed when Houdini’s ghost returns and ushers in demonic illusionists with Black Magic.

This maze has a 20s circus theme and I loved the decor. Included in this maze is a hallway of funhouse mirrors and a magician (who has a card sticking halfway out of his temple) who will you show a card trick. Overall, though, this maze wasn’t very scary at all.

  • Scare factor: 1/5

The Witch’s Keep- “The Green Witch uncovered a wicked source of power in the Calico Mine and uses its energy to capture and corrupt all who enter The Witch’s Keep.”

At this point, we were about halfway through the night and our feet were killing us. This maze is actually a decorated train ride so we knew we would be able to sit down for a while. This attraction isn’t meant to be scary, and it isn’t, but it’s a great idea for the middle of the night when you need a break from either haunts or walking.

  • Scare factor: 0/5

Pinocchio Unstrung- “Pinocchio was denied his wish to be a real boy and enacts revenge on those who made him: Pinocchio Unstrung.”

This was the only maze we needed to wait in a long line for (1 hour)… and it was kind of disappointing. Last year this was one of the scariest mazes for me, but this year I felt it was lacking. One of the main attractions of the ride, the marionette who jumps out and flies towards you, wasn’t there when we went through. I always have found the big Pinocchio at the end quite cheesy as well. However, at the tail end of the maze I made the mistake of making eye contact with one of the monsters and he growled and ran me out of the maze (I’m talking running and screaming out of the maze.. embarrassing.) 

  • Scare factor: 2/5

Forevermore- “The twisted mind of Edgar Allan Poe comes alive as the Forevermore killer slashes his way through one haunting tale after another.”

This was the scariest maze hands down. There were so many people constantly jumping out of you from different obscure places. There’s a point in the maze where a man in a water pit with an axe swinging loomingly over his head sprays you with what may be blood. This maze featured skinned animals hanging from trees, a dining room filled with tar and feathered bodies, and a smoky, open rave scene that for some reason scared me more than anything that whole night. I also got chased out of this maze by a scary man, too.

  • Scare factor: 5/5

Gunslinger’s Grave- “Return to the Old West and walk in the bloody footsteps of a betrayed and left-for-dead cowboy on his path to retribution from the Gunslinger’s Grave.”

This maze was our last one of the night. It isn’t very scary in the way some other ones are, but the maze gets its creepiness from the quiet, evil nature of the actors. We got shot at again just like last year which scared me just as much. Shout out to the creepy cowboy who told us “Howdy.” 

  • Scare factor: 1.5/5


The Hanging - Everything is Gruesome

[I’m going to pull a lot from my review last year because it still stands. But anyway..]

I want to start off by saying that I appreciate that some of their jokes were really relevant (such as the 3 boobed lady). A lot of the parody costumes were about 70% there. When the costumes were spot on, they were spot on. But when they weren’t, they were pointless (Kim Kardashian had no butt, neither did Iggy. They went over the top on point with some of the costumes but others just lacked). The jokes were suprisingly UNTOPICAL at times (THEY HAD A “CHARLIE THE UNICORN” BIT). I did laugh a couple of times at the beginning, but it just got dumber and less funny as time went on. The problem is, our level of humor is higher than other people who were at the show- basically, people without tumblrs that have never seen a meme thought the show was HILARIOUS the whole way through. If you go on tumblr at all though, you would not find the overused, obvious jokes towards the end funny. (“I used to do drugs, I mean I still do, but I also used to them too.”) My suggestion is: go for the first 15 minutes then leave unless you want to see Justin Bieber jokes for minutes straight. 

Elvira’s Big Top

Last year the Elvira show was funny so we made sure we went this year. Elvira’s still got it even though she’s 63. She’s as sleazy and entertaining as ever (she also rapped Iggy twice). In this circus show you get to see a contortionist fit through tennis racquets and a really scarily insane sword swallower (which I had NEVER seen in real life). Skip The Hanging and see this show instead. 

One of the most iconic instagrams of our time: dempsey.jpg. Follow him for the sole reason that he takes the most talented dog selfies around.

One of the most iconic instagrams of our time: dempsey.jpg. Follow him for the sole reason that he takes the most talented dog selfies around.

Fair days: 3, personal ice cream bars consumed: 2, family animals auctioned: 2, pictures of DJ & Grant: unlimited.

Important goodwill find for my apartment.

Important goodwill find for my apartment.

It’s all so exciting. And look at how many of us there are! (7 !!!!)

More wedding!!!!

My mom got married: a masterpost.

Wedding run through shenanigans.

July 28, 2014. It is so hot that one must wear oven mitts to drive.

July 28, 2014. It is so hot that one must wear oven mitts to drive.

An adventure in hair dye.

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